Monday, January 15, 2007

The year in Sports: Prequel

Here is what we believe will happen in the year in sports.

January- Leading 24-10 at halftime of the AFC Championship game, head coach Bill Belichik is occupied thoughout the second half by a group of middle aged, married, female real estate agents sitting in the 3rd row, thereby allowing Peyton Manning to pass for 3 touchdowns to finally down the Patriots.

Febuary- In a game against Phoenix, Allen Iverson and Carmelo Anthony combine to take an astonishing 72 shots. In the post-game press conference, both acknowledge that they feared they would never get to shoot if they passed the ball to the other

March- David Beckham arrives in LA early, prompting an MLS record 21,000 fans to watch Posh and Becks wait for their luggage at LAX

April- Sergio Garcia finally triumphs in a major, winning at Augusta by 3. This prompts Fuzzy Zoeller to ask if they would have Taco's and Chalupa's at the champions dinner

May- Cubs management announces their pleasure at the latest peformance of Kerry Wood (2 2/3, 1K, 6 ER), calling it his best outing in years. He is immediately placed on the 15 day DL due to "Fatigue".

June- Batting .410, Alex Rodriguez is traded to the Phillies after is it revealed that he once failed to throw a "Wassup" Derek Jeter's way when they crossed paths in the clubhouse

July- Angry at the recent publicity given Tiger Woods and the upcoming birth of his first child, Phil "FIGJAM" Mickelson announces he has fathered an illegitmate child with the black nanny of a fellow touring pro and that he will carry a pager during every round of golf, even though the child isn't due until January.

August- Despite batting below .250 and leading the league in errors since the A-Rod trade, Derek Jeter is largely held as the early AL MVP front runner, with many writes citing his "Intangibles" as their motivating factor. (This one may actually happen)

September- Tiger Woods wins the innaugural FedEx Cup despite playing the last 4 events wearing an artificial nursing bra. Spectators commented that they just thought Mickelson had been spending too much time in the tanning booth.

October- Mezmerized by his sweet swing, and umpire in Minnesota accidentaly allows Joe Mauer 6 strikes in one at bat during a playoff game against the Red Sox. He later described the batting champ as "Dreamy", to which Tom Brady immediately claimed disrespect.

November- In an effort to secure another BCS game, Boise State runs the "Hook and Ladder" for the entire first half of a game against Oregon State. They run nothing but the "Statue of Liberty" in the second, and still beat OSU by 21.

December- Golfer Phil Mickelson is jailed on simple assault charges after pummeling the writer of a half-assed sports blog for repeatedly calling him FIGJAM

4 Comments:

At 1:40 PM, Blogger Mini Me said...

amazing stuff.

 
At 2:00 PM, Anonymous polevaultking said...

The Phils don't trade for good players

 
At 2:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

define good players....

 
At 5:23 PM, Blogger Sooze said...

Hey, you forgot to mention the Twins winning it all in October.

 

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